So… in what is arguably my most embarrassing gaming admission to date, last night, both me and my regular co-op gaming partner legend Ronald P. Corbett got a real-time in-game tutorial on Fortnite by Ronnie’s 11 year old twin boys.

I’m not even joking.

As you may have heard on the poddie last week, I admitted openly that we have been extremely slow on the uptake to the whole Battle Royale phenomenon that is Fortnite and PUBG. There’s a few reasons, but it mainly comes down to available time and trying to complete some games that should have been completed months ago. Yes, I’m looking at you Destiny 2 and Ghost Recon.

Particularly you, Ghost Recon.

Anyhoo, we’ve started playing Fortnite, and I’m ashamed to admit that in three solid sessions of Fortnite, I have one solitary kill to my name.


That’s in around 6 hours of gameplay.

I have never, ever, felt like such a noob in all my gaming life.

Despite the aforementioned tutorial session from Ronnie’s boys, Sam and Toby (who gave excellent advice, by the way), both Ronnie and I struggled to do anything exceptional. We always managed to place well in the duos (our highest place being 6th), but that was mainly more due to the fact that we only managed to encounter enemy duos in the final circle.

I had a chat with Pete today – and there’s a few reasons why I reckon I was so shithouse.

  1. My refusal to jump when in a gunfight. Call me old fashioned (it’s the Goldeneye coming out in me)
  2. My inability to gunfight and build shit… part stubbornness, part uncoordination
  3. Lag (always blame lag in Australia when you’re shithouse at a gun game #MALCOLM!)
  4. My inability to follow instructions and stay close to my partner… I have way too much of the Leroy Jenkins in me

Look, I get why Fortnite is a hit “with the kids”… I love this business model of making the game free and then providing the ability to purchase skins and stuff as a way for the maker to monetise it.

But, when you leave it as long as Ronnie and I have to actually game on in Fortnite, you do run the risk of becoming a complete noob for a bit. Despite what I thought was an ultra-impressive gaming pedigree, I was made to look seriously inferior, no doubt by some spotty 14 year old kid.

Ronnie and I, at around 44 years of age, have decided that Fortnite is not for us. We’re going to give PUBG a go and see what happens there.

Although, Pete tells me that f*ckers jump around in PUBG too during firefights… so that’s awesome news…

Written by: @dantheinternut