Sony has just dropped the first PlayStation 5 details out of nowhere, and we couldn’t be more disappointed, because it doesn’t tell us shit, so we wrote something more interesting.
In a not very surprising turn of events our man on the inside at Sony, Dev, who if we’re honest is actually a casual employee across the road at the local fish and chippie, tells us:
“I was lip reading some of the blokes from Sony HQ as they were sitting at a table here wolfing down a piece of flake, and I’m fairly sure he mouthed the word “epic”, I’m not sure, it could’ve been “lemon”.
We can only take this to mean that the PlayStation 5 will be released as an EPIC store exclusive, like everything else past 2018.
“The PlayStation 5 will be released as an EPIC store exclusive, meaning you’ll play the console through the EPIC store for the first six months. It’s like Inception, you’re playing your PlayStation games, inside a console, inside the EPIC store.” said Dev.
When we asked Dev if they’ll actually be releasing any physical tech he replied, “yeah that’s going to be the expansion pack in 2020, but if you want the plug to power it you’ll have to buy the season pass.”
We rang Sony for comment, Susan at reception told us:
“Sorry who’s this? Game Anus? If you like you can leave a message.”
We can only take this to be a cryptic message from Susan to us to say that the PS5 will also double as a phone answering machine, and will have a tape deck to record your mate Jim when he’s been on the piss all night and it’s four in the morning and he needs a lift home.
Also, some bloke called Mark Cerny, who was the lead architect for the PlayStation Four, said some official stuff to a legitimate magazine:
- Not releasing in 2019
- Four years in development so far
- Backwards compatible with PS4 games
- 8 core AMD Zen 2
- Ray-tracing support with GPU
- Extremely fast high-end SSD storage
- Custom AMD unit for 3D Audio, also aided by ray-tracing, a big upgrade
- Extremely fast high-end custom SSD storage faster than any solution currently available for PC
- Technically supports 8K but Cerny demoed Spider-Man load speed improvements (15s -> 0.8s) on a 4K screen
- New Virtual Reality platform strongly hinted at but also supports current PSVR (meaning millions of VR users ‘day one’)
- Physical Media
